Noooo Robert

My good friend Stu and I share an interest in the works of R. Kelly, an artist who “makes brave choices,” as my old boss once diplomatically said. Stu and I enjoy discussing/critiquing the motivations behind the man’s work... he makes profoundly poor decisions, but with an unshakable confidence. While I have a few of his songs and have seen some of his music videos, I’ve got nothing on Stu, who has albums and has been involved for years now. He is operating on a level of commitment that I can’t even begin to touch.

So there’s this R. Kelly song... “I Like the Crotch On You.” Stu sent this to me once, and I listened to it and was amused, then mostly forgot about it. Months later I happened to listen to it again, and I discovered that after the initial part about liking crotches and whatnot, there is a second part to the song...

Me: the other day i was listening to "i like the crotch on you" and i guess i had never listened to it the whole way through
Stu: haha, the end is the best part!
Me: UMMM THE ENDING IS RIDICULOUS
Stu: I was like "Man, this song is generic 90s r&b," but then that ended and the breakdown part started and I was like "Holy crap, this is amazing!" When he starts talking about asking girls if he can knock their boots, that's when I was hooked.

It involves Mr. Kelly talking and singing things like “They used to call me stank, but now I’m walking to the bank,” while studio musicians in the background pretend that they’re old friends hanging out with him and laughing in a raucous, forced way. I was hoping to find a transcription of it, but what’s weird is if you search for the lyrics online, the most you can find is the first few lines, then the rest of it is nowhere to be found!

Stu: Doesn't it bother you that you can't see the lyrics right in your face? I want to be able to read lines like "What's going on inside my pants, I can't explain."

Is everyone in the world too embarrassed to transcribe this song? I feel like that might be the case... I was actually considering doing it myself and posting the lyrics here, but then I realized there are things said in the song that I don’t want to be responsible for putting on the internet. I'm not brave like Robert Kelly.